Mixed feelings

I have been a bit distant since my birthday and I don’t know if any of you have noticed but yeah. Time to explain why I have kind of been in the background of things.

On August 28th, an old friend of mine was killed in an accident. Kind of hit home with me because his girl friend who survived, was in the car with him and they were up the road from my house in a canyon when it happened. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this to be honest and out of respect I’m not going to write out my honest thoughts and feelings on here because I feel a little bit of it is selfish but at the same time there’s reasons behind those selfish feelings. Hence why I’m not going to get into it.

Then I ended up canceling a party I planned for my birthday. I canceled it because the stove and oven broke, the dryer broke, and a lot of my friends have kids and they were all getting sick with that respiratory illness going around called RSV. It just wasn’t meant to be. I was disappointed because I know for an adult it’s not a big deal to celebrate but I haven’t celebrated my birthday at all since I was sixteen years old. Yeah I would have dinner and cake with my mom or whatever but never with friends doing something or going out.

I’m over it though. Can always try for next year.

However what really triggered me was making the mistake of going out with a guy I was seeing for my birthday. Should’ve just stayed home in my pajamas that night. I’m not even going to get into that because last year almost a similar thing happened on my birthday except I dumped the dude then and it was on my birthday. That guy literally told me he was basically doing me a favor taking me out to dinner for my birthday. Excuse me? I told him to f*ck off. This recent guy took me out to eat, was a good time, but he ruined it afterwards. Again. Not going to get into it. All I’m going to say is that he is self absorbed and I should’ve believed the red flags. My mistake cost me having a crap night to my birthday and to top it off barely anyone really cared for my birthday including family members. Acquaintances and my subscribers said happy birthday but only maybe a couple people I personally know actually took the time to say happy birthday and make an effort to make my birthday good. My aunties I love to call them even though we are not related by blood. Threw me a birthday dinner and everything and really made it special because I hadn’t seen them in years. That was the day after my birthday that was great.

that is all why I have been in a funk. I have a lot of mixed feelings going on about things with myself as a person and I wish I didn’t but it happens. As of yesterday I am getting myself out of the funk. Let’s see what happens next!